BACK

JOURNAL

[FILE ONE:]

i feel so invisible to everyone. it doesnt matter where i go,it feels like no one knows im there and if they do,they dont fucking care.im not as good as everyone else.im not as funny,talented,and i cant just have a conversation. i contribute nothing to anyones life. i feel really fat seeing people eat 200-300 calories a day.sorry,thisll be a very ramble filled file.

i dont fit in anywhere. every online society is either too much or too "controversial" for me that i fear ill be laughed at,or too little in humor and open-ness that i kinda just hate the feel and the people. i dont really know what to do anymore. im scared ill never find anyone and ill always be alone. frankly,maybe thats for the best,i just dont know how to act around people. especially people who are already in a group and are of a higher status in said group.

[FILE TWO:]

ive already mentioned it but it keeps niggling in the back of my mind. i feel so fucking fat seeing other peoples calorie counts. i mean,on the forum people eat near 1200 (which doesnt really make sense considering its a restrictive disorder..) but people on discord and tumblr are eating like 200 calories a day and OMADing carrots. i dont have much to say. im tired. im down to my weight before the 2 day binge that happended last week. i only gained 2 pounds so,here we go i guess. journey to 110,so on and so forth. i wish i wasnt so socially anxious,cant even join a damn muted voice chat without hyperventilating. maybe next time.. [2/1/24]

[FILE THREE:]

i apolgize for my frequent use of unnecessary curse words. how the fuck do these immature people get so much more attention than me? if anyone sees this,yea,maybe i am attention seeking. but i literally dont talk to anyone except my family a little bit in everyday life,so someone else would be really fucking appreaciated. "im so alone!" and then you post that,and you get responses and likes and fuck i hate you all. no matter how much weight i lose,no matter how much art i make,ill never be worth shit to anybody. no one even knows im alive. but at the end of the day,i think thats best.

i binged and purged again today,but im ending my eating with a mini binge. i just couldnt purge,it hurts too much,too much to the point where i dont even care if i gain. ill just fast over the weekend.someone save me (sad wwww) [2/2/24]

[FILE FOUR:]

i still hate people. i thrive off of attention. god,im such a basic ana bitch. just gotta be the sickest,the most alone,the skinniest. but im not even normal skinny much less emeciated so all i can do is drink as much as i can without my mom noticing its gone,piss onto my school work turn it in half assed,attempt to starve,and cut myself. haha the only reason i even attempt to live is for attention. [2/3/24]

[FILE FIVE:]

im in a good mood actually. (E) i live in a small town in which,if you dont have a car youre fucked and stranded. im 13,socially awkward,and theres nothing even in driving distance. i dont know where i wanna live,somewhere else,somewhere buzzing with people,fun people. ill probably be dead before im 16. and i cant find myself to care. thats all :] [2/4/24]

[FILE SIX:]

everyone is so much smaller,they can eat whatever they want and it not show. but i understand why im fat and a lot of other teens arent,that doesnt include metabolism or exercise. i obsess over food. what,how much,how many calories,the contents,the nutrition,all of it. and when you restrict,you rebound. i rebound hard. my body doesnt know when its gonna get this again,food,and it needs to make up for lost time before the supply is cut short. but if i stop losing weight and dieting,ill not only gain a terrible amount,but ill stop getting compliments. its the only thing people are proud of me for. ive thought of recovery,but i cant get the pictures out of my head. is there more to life than this?

[FILE SEVEN:]

everyone is so stupid in my class.. fuck. i dont belong with these people lol. i took a shower to make myself feel better after eating but i feel worse. but my mom got me diet soda so thats good...but i can feel ive gained weight. i cant see my collar bones as well and my fore arms look fatter. im so stressed..im wearing my favorite shorts cause its warmer out now but i cant get the image of my fat calves out of my head. the only thing making me feel better is the fact that these shorts cannot be worn without a belt and fall off even when im staying still so that makes me feel better knowing i havent reached my previous levels of fat. it triggers me hearing stories of being around friends and relationships cause i think "maybe ill have friends or a partner if im skinny." which i cant tell if its a blessing or a curse.

[FILE EIGHT:]

i cant stop eating. thats really all im pissed about. i also cant shit lol. im sure you wanted to know about it. im making a deal with myself that if i fast,just 48 hours,ill let myself drink. its so stupid how im 13 and already using drinking to console me. its not even like im trying to impress anybody,that would be better than the reasons im doing this shit,but who is there to impress? GAHAHHAHAhahahahahAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHh IM SO FUCKING FAT AND IM FREAKED OUT BY IT EVEN THOUGH I DID IT TO MYSEWLF I FUCKING HATE THIS SOIMEWO NE TAKE FOOD AWAY FROM ME OIR MAYBE I NEEDTO JUST GTER SOME SELF CPNTROL WUICK i was looking in the mirror and nothing looked right. i mean,ive always hated my face but it was..so bad. my face is so round and puffy and my nose looks bigger. i dont look like me. i dont feel like me. maybe its the bingeing thats made my face puffy and ill be fine in a few days,maybe its the weight gain,but this...fuck..its not okay. nothings okay. i cant go outside now,im so ugly. has it been like this for awhile and im only now noticing? idk. random topic but i smoked my first cigarette today. really overrated and considering they were hemp cigarettes they have the worst odor that i hope clears out before my parents get home. that being said,i felt cool as fuck leaning out of my window smoking a cigarette its like all my little self destructive childhood dreams are being fulfilled for the small small price of lung cancer. lol im not worried. [2/8/24]

[FILE NINE:]

missed my first class from oversleeping but its fine. im gonna go on a walk soon but i wanna write a bit first. im kinda believing the weight set point theory. because you know when the binge urges stopped? right when i got back up to 120 lbs. im back here. after all that hard work..im back here. it pisses me off but maybe makes sense? because,i have no appetite,no binge urges,no cravings,nothing. and i feel like a total fat fuck. whatever..i might go to the store today maybe. blow some more christmas money on useless things. but no,they arent entirely useless i dont think. anyway,i weighed myself. im not happy at what flashed back. 121. 121 pounds. i have managed to gain 7 pounds,i basically let myself gain 7 pounds. i sound pissed but i feel nothing. all i can say is that ill do better,and ill make myself keep off the weight. this time i wont accept anything but what im reaching for. im just so tired. i dont want to eat,i just want to lay in bed all day and no one understands that. i hate every version of school,i hate food,i hate working out,i hate talking to people. no one sees. no one will ever see,i wont let them see. i cant. they dont need that burden on them and theyll never understand. because what i feel cant be described with words,not even these edgy teenage scribbles i leave everywhere can *truly* convey every little thing i feel and think. [2/9/24]

[FILE TEN:]

where do i go when everyone around me is too old,too young,too mature,too immature,too cool,too skinny,to want to be grouped in with me? am i playing the victim? i cant find out whats really me anymore. okay,thats kinda dramatic but who the fuck am i? why do i feel like everyone in the world has a vendetta towards me? i dont fucking get it! what did i do? i was quiet,i was respectful,im starving myself to make people like me better and yet still,no one. where are my people? its not fair. i dont wanna be alone. please dont let me die alone. how can i convey who i actually am to anyone whos willing to be around me without putting on this stupid tough front? will i always be alone?

[FILE ELEVEN:]

im not sure what ill do today..probably go on a walk,try and go down to the store maybe. im not in the best spirits as my mom and stepdad were fighting and it will set the trajectory for my entire month so...thats fun. i just want things to be okay. i wanna dissapear. then i wont have to deal with this. they wont have to deal with me. its a win win. wherever i end up will be better than here. this life is wholly unworth living. theres nothing there. ill never be anything. i just want to walk out and never come back,i wanna get away from this life,this body,whatever way i can. [2/11/24]

[FILE TWELVE:]

i dont go outside much anymore. im scared and its just not worth it. such a loser to be scared of outside. i dont like the faces,the possibilities,the looks,the noises,the cars...and theres nothing good out there! aside from the store where i get my diet dr pepper and protein bars but i have to cross a road and ive said fuck that to cars. fuck cars. fuck whoever made cars (fuck you carl benz). my mental stability is slowly slipping...why am i becoming borderline neet?! [2/14/24]

[FILE THIRTEEN:]

[deleted]

[FILE FOURTEEN:]

[deleted]

[FILE FIFTEEN:]

i feel hollow. close to sadness,yet empty. i dont know what i want anymore. i wanna be in bed forever. [2/20/24]

[FILE SIXTEEN:]

ive started to enjoy my disorder,you cant see fault in it when the numbers are so addicting. its just routine for me,routine with a sliver of satisfaction. [2/22/24]

[FILE SEVENTEEN:]

im only now realizing how weird beating your kids is. i mean,im aware its bad,god i know how it feels but like..you beat someone on the street,you go to jail,right? but if you beat your kid,your spawn,your replica,...its fine? the fuck? how is this so deeply engrained into peoples heads? i can never forgive my mom. why did i have to hide? i was so scared,i dont know what i did wrong. why did my brother not get beat when he did it? i still remember being terrified. i could hear her. and she laughed about it too..[2/26/24]

[FILE EIGHTTEEN:]

everydays so long.im so tired,no one wants to be around me even my own mother.i just wish everything would disappear,i wish i would disappear. life is pointless. all im latching onto is weight loss. i hate everything. im falling behind on school work. i dont even fucking care. theres no point. no point in anything. but i cant die,i cant die not cause im scared of death i just dont want my family finding me. not that theyd care,i just dont want them to see that. i could do it outside but im afraid of what someone could do to my body. im afraid of their fear or maybe lack there of. im most afraid of the pain. overdoses are too slow but maybe thats the way. but id have too much time to rethink it..but guns are scary. but i know where a gun is. but not today,nor tomorrow.[3/1/24]

[FILE NINETEEN:]

[deleted]

[FILE TWENTY:]

[deleted]

[FILE TWENTYONE:]

i dont think ill ever actually kill myself. im too scared, not of the afterlife or lack there of but of my mom finding me. i never want her to see that and i was selfish not to think of it. but if i leave and do it im scared of not being found or something happening to me.i think i said this already. everything is just so pointless. ill never find love anywhere. i just wanna leave already :(

[FILE TWENTYTWO:]

i had a slightly sad dream. its gonna sound cliche and weird but part of the dream was me getting a boyfriend and then him just dumping me and disappearing out of thin air..this isnt the first time its happended, a dream like this. everyone leaves me in the end, no matter how much i try, no matter how much they like me, they all seem to dissipate. why? am i too much? am i truly unlovable?

[FILE TWENTYTHREE:]

nobody seems to notice me so i just gave up. i dont really care. im so tired.

[FILE TWENTYFOUR:]

this is it, this is my whole life. this is my whole world. theres nothing. its all pointless. no one takes me seriously. no one ever will. i should disappear. no one would care. i hate everyone. i hate myself. i hate my family. how could you not see?

[FILE TWENTYFIVE:]

im so tired, restless. no content is interesting to me. my brain is mush. i cant keep up with talking to people, watching videos. i hate sleeping. uncomfy, always have bad dreams, wake up feeling worse. hard to sleep.

[FILE TWENTYSIX:]

dramatic ahh body

[FILE TWENTYSEVEN:]

eating disorders are so common yet no one has the first fucking clue about them. i TRIED explaining it to my brother, he just doesnt get it. no one will. i wanted help, i wanted to reach out, but the only option is to keep going and die now i guess. may 15 or may 30 i guess. my brothers friend was like "i got over my insecurity of being overweight by blah blah blah and i lost weight and my friends wouldnt allow me to eat foods if they were bad-" IM SCARED!! im scared of being fat, im scared of eating, i feel like if i eat one bite of something EVERYONE knows! they see it on me, they can see the fat growing, they know! its not just an insecurity is a fucking mental illness! i know my brother was trying to help but he didnt, if anything he triggered me. whatever, i hope he took something away from my advice.[4/17/24]

[FILE TWENTYEIGHT:]

i have to go soon. its time, i think. what will i do? where will i put it? [4/21/24]

[FILE TWENTYNINE:]

maybe there was something wrong with me. maybe i was actually autistic, maybe i was bipolar too. but ill never know. nobody cared enough to look. and ive given up on asking. if i do live, i have to lose weight. i cant be loved unless i lose weight, ill never have friends if i dont lose weight. people hate me when i eat. they know what ive eaten, how much, how many calories, when, they know everything. and i cant have my future partner thinking im just lazy. things have to change now. and if they dont, i kill myself, and make it work this time.[4/29/24]

[FILE THIRTY:]

i saw hello kitty swim suits in the mall. i thought they were cute but i could never wear one, only when im like..80 pounds, probably less. my mom was like "youre so thin, youd look cute!" but i wouldnt. everyone could see my scars and stretch marks and fat. thats all ive ever been, the fat one. it would be so nice to wear one of the cute ones.but id look like a whale who stole someones clothes off the beach. horrible. fucking horrible.

[FILE THIRTYONE:]

even when i vocalize my issues, no one listens. my brother says he couldnt possibly caused an issue by bullying me. "im your older brother, im supposed to do that!". i ate to try and fix this malnourishment. not of food but of love. i was so alone, and now im ruined forever. why is he not ruined, i wonder? why does he not find life so impossible? why is he able to look normal and eat normal and laugh and joke and not go overboard to please? moms right, he is like dad. he doesnt take responsibility. he can say hes sorry all he wants but he never means it. i confessed to so much, he just called it an insecurity. will you see your mistake when i dying? when im actually malnourished? probably not. but its the only plan i have. anyway, oxycodon feels pretty good, but i dont know what ill do when it runs out..cant get more.

[FILE THIRTY:]

im so lost. i have to kill myself before im 15, i cant live a normal life. but it cant be on my period cause all my mom will say is that it was just my period. this isnt normal. someone help. i hate this.